Shame. It’s powerful. It feeds off the lies you’ve told yourself. The lies of the enemy you were tricked into believing. Shame will make you feel unworthy, unlovable, empty, and well…ashamed. Shame reaffirms itself with every mistake, bad decision and even horrible things that have been done TO you. Your head hung low, feeling fatally flawed, you begin living down to those standards set by the thief who comes only to kill steal and destroy. (John 10:10).
That’s where I was most of my childhood and adult life. Believing so many lies, opening the door for the devil himself to come in and have his way. As a young child, feeling unwanted by her father, unaware of the seeds of unworthiness planted deep within. Growing up, being taunted by other children, bullied mentally, added another notch on the belt of shame and humiliation. SEE, something was definitely wrong with you, it told me. Another lie.
As I grew into a teenager, I believed the same lies in addition to the lie that I’d never get married or have a family. No one would ever love me. I was that despicable.
And then, the unthinkable happened. My own father made inappropriate sexual advances to me and tried to lure me into his bed in a drunken stupor. I have never felt so dirty in my life. I showered and scrubbed, but the shame wouldn’t wash off. I was disgusting. His actions left a mark that I would carry in silence until I was almost 40.
Shame, guilt, disgust…it will leave you running after any relief, any temporary reprieve possible. You’ll search for happiness and fulfillment in all the wrong places. Men, alcohol, bad decision after bad decision that leave you feeling worse and worse, reaffirming every lie until it’s just WHO YOU ARE.
BUT….Jesus.
He finds a way into your heart. He knows you; he created you. For it was you who created my inward parts: you knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalms 139:13). He came to save us all…to set the captives free. When Jesus comes in, everything starts to change. You realize how valuable you really are. Value comes from the price someone is willing to pay for it. The price Jesus paid for me is so unbelievably great. He starts speaking to your identity as his child. Our earthly parents are limited by their own experiences and lies they themselves believe; however, our Heavenly Father is love. He is never disappointed. I am his daughter. I am the daughter of a KING!!! I am so worthy! When you let Jesus into your heart, and fully surrender to him, he fills the holes with his love, his mercy and his unending grace. He will wash away the shame and replace it with his righteousness.
My healing all began with forgiveness. The Lord called me to forgive my father when I turned 40. It was undeniable. With the Lord’s help, I extended grace to my father and offered my forgiveness. It wasn’t easy. But the Lord gave me the grace to forgive. This act was the catalyst to enormous healing. Today I can honestly say that thru the grace and mercy of Jesus, I no longer suffer from this traumatic memory. Somehow, he has healed me. I no longer feel shame; I don’t cry, and I have no angst or pain. Years of counseling couldn’t fix what Jesus did for me in his infinite love.
Did this happen overnight? No. It’s a process, but he is faithful to complete it. I am a work in progress. He is still loving me to completion as we speak.
What will I do now? I will keep putting my trust in Jesus. I’ve seen him heal my past hurts, and I know I will see him continue to heal other parts of my life. I’m not perfect. He’s the perfect one, but I will keep pressing on, into Jesus. He has surely saved me.
Daughter of the King 